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User blog:The Not-As-Ultimate Shapeshifter/Charlie the Critic: We Wish You a Merry Walrus
Happy New Year, everyone! Welcome to my very first official critic review of anything ever! Since the Merry Walrus Party is still going on (or at least will be for a few more hours), what better to review than the television special based on the party, We Wish You a Merry Walrus! (UPDATE: Turns out the party ended a day early for some reason. Oh well, it’s not like it will be missed or anything) First, let’s start off with some background. Ever since Club Penguin support first began, the only emails that the CP Team’s gotten more than Saraapril and her follower’s constant death threats trying to force them to bring “Old CP” back are constant requests for Club Penguin to make a TV Show. After like 9 years of constant nagging, Club Penguin finally relented and called up the people behind these horrifying stop-motion death puppets from hell to make them a stop motion TV show. However, the phrase “TV show” must mean something different in wherever FACTORY Entertainment (dat original name tho) comes from, because instead of a TV show, they made a single TV showing. And so Club Penguin decided to make their TV special based around Merry Walrus, a holiday created by them because apparently that was easier than making the Holiday Party less Christmasy and making it celebrate other holidays like Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and… any others that are celebrated in December (it’s funny because during the Christmas Parties there was actually a menorah in the Coffee Shop that they got rid of when they shifted to “Holiday” rather than Christmas Parties). Which is a cool idea at first until you realize that the entire holiday is based around Christmas without the slightest similarity to one other holiday. Rockhopper: But on the plus side, we’ve got fun hats!! :D '' '' And so, We Wish You a Merry Walrus was born, a stop-motion TV special that somehow counts as an entire Club Penguin TV Show filled with brand-new characters as well as returning characters but all with different voice actors for absolutely no reason at all. ...So, can this special manage to be decent despite the awful excuse for 2014 we got this year on Club Penguin? Let’s find out! Enjoy the review and please post your favorite part in the comments! Stay strong, stay awesome, and look good while doing it. - The Remarkably Less-Ultimate Shapeshifter 06:12, January 1, 2015 (UTC) ---- The special begins rather abruptly with the brand new Migrator sailing away from Club Penguin. I’ll be honest, this new Migrator is actually kind of awesome! It’s probably a lot bigger compared to the previous one and is a lot more believable as a pirate ship. Except for its face though. Its face is horrifying. To whoever wrote Rockhopper into this, dear rsnail, THANK YOU. Believe it or not, this special is what turned one of my least favorite Club Penguin characters quickly into one of my favorite. But we’ll get back to him later. Sitting on Rockhopper’s shoulder for most of the special is his first mate red puffle Yarr. Everyone remembers that cute little ball of adorableness we first met in animated form in Captain Rockhopper vs. the Mighty Squid, right guys? Yeah, well he’s dead now. Remember that sneak peek of Rockhopper’s 2013 design from that one Club Penguin magazine (I don’t know which) where Yarr had an eyepatch, a gold tooth, and a pirate snarl face? Yep, that’s our replacement here. He doesn’t even make those cute little squeaking noises anymore, he cackles like a pirate. Hooray. Okay, Rockhopper’s leaving Club Penguin, the special’s over, we can all go home now, right? Nope, because apparently Rockhopper downloaded the whole thing onto his smartphone. Cue inception sound '' '' And so, the actual ''special begins and we’re treated to our very first song, A Very Merry Walrus. I’ll be honest, I actually really like this song. It suits the special well and it gets you excited for what’s to come. We also get our first glance of what it’s like in this version of Club Penguin, and honestly… I think it’s okay. To be honest, I’m not too fond of the design of the background characters in this. There’s something really… odd-looking about them. So anyways, we see Herbert in a submarine and learn that he’s getting tired of all the noise penguins make. (WHAT?! WHO KNEW THAT HERBERT WAS BOTHERED BY US?!) ''Cue inception sound Herbert: It’s time to unwrap… OPERATION: SILENT NIGHT!!!! Spike Hike: Herbert, didn’t you get the memo? We’re not doing the whole Christmas thing anymore. Herbert: ...Oh. *eats Spike Hike* ' ' And so we meet our main character, Roofhowse. ...Yes, that’s seriously his name. I’m not even kidding, his name is Roofhowse. You’re hearing me correctly, they gave a one-off character whom we’ll probably never even see again the name Roofhowse. ...I don’t know. Out of all the characters, Roofhowse’s personality is the hardest to explain, which means he’s either the most complex or the most uninteresting character (though I like Roofhowse so I’m siding with Option #1). Unlike your average penguin, Roofhowse has a slouched neck and (like basically everyone in this special) has mastered the art of wearing two body items, in his case the Yellow Raincoat and the Playful Hoodie, at the exact same time because if Club Penguin made a character that you could mimic in the game it would burst into flames for some reason. Roofhowse is a sailor who has recently arrived on Club Penguin (Wait, but then where did he live before? If he didn’t live on Club Penguin then how come he’s wearing Club Penguin items?) and has just finished building his igloo when two deformed penguins named Blizzard and Sydmull walk up to him. Blizzard throws a football at Roofhowse, which he fumbles to catch and ends up breaking his window. Blizzard, because he sucks, decides that he’s going to call Roofhowse “Fumbles”, a name that almost everyone in this special catches on to. Blizzard is your average stereotypical jock, teasing people about how he’s on the football team and all that, and annoying to no end. And of course, just like every movie ever to have a jock in it, he has to pick on Roofhowse just because he’s the “new kid” (though he’s not exactly a jerk, he acts more like that annoying older brother that never shuts the hell up). If anything, I do like how Blizzard is friends with his roommate (igloomate?) Sydmull, the “smart kid”, and doesn’t ever tease, harass, or even remotely pick on him. Just everyone else. Unlike most penguins, Blizzard is a lot bigger and has a bulkier shape as well as a larger beak and is probably the only one of all the characters introduced in this special not to have a thinner neck. Sydmull (who’s name up until this blog post I’ve been mistakenly spelling with an “i” instead of a “u”), like I said, is your average stereotypical smart kid. (Noticing a theme here?) He has access to a bunch of different kinds of technology, has friends up in space, and to complete his look, he even has a pair of over-sized glasses. If there’s more to him, we’re never going to find out because out of all the main characters he probably has the least to do in this special. Unlike most penguins, Sydmill is shorter and has a longer neck. After Roofhowse’s igloo suddenly bursts into flames and is reduced to nothing in less than a second because the writers of this special apparently hate him for some reason, Jangrah, supervisor of the Stage performances (how have we never heard of her before?) arrives just so she can get mad at Blizzard for no reason. With Jangrah is her friend, *shivers* Lorna. We’ll get to Jangrah in a minute because I just have to talk about Lorna, your average stereotypical “little sister” character (It never ends, does it?!). I want to call her a pookie since she wears a hoodie that’s too big for her, not to mention the fact that she acts like a small child, and her voice… HOLY ROCKET SNAIL, HER VOICE!!!! Lorna: *shines flashlight on her face* Just so you know, there’s an ancient Club Penguin prophecy that a mysterious stranger would one day save Merry Walrus from complete annihilation! And not to be overly dramatic, I also had a dream about wafflesss! So this is how I die. You see, it’s funny because… WAFFLES!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I’m just going to tell myself that Lorna is making this all up because if she’s not than this whole thing would be too stupid for words. Like I said, she apparently isn’t a pookie because she’s bigger than Sydmull and about the size of Roofhowse. That said, HOW OLD IS SHE SUPPOSED TO BE?! Jangrah on the other hand is your average stereotypical control freak (Do I even need to point this out anymore?). She’s a play supervisor and president of the igloo owner’s association BECAUSE WHY FREAKING NOT? Unlike most penguins, Jangrah is… taller. Yeah, that’s about it. And I’m not sure, but I think she might be bipolar. Jangrah: *groans loudly and speaks bitterly to Blizzard* If anyone else fit in the Merry Walrus costume, I’d fire you! *sees Roofhowse and suddenly shifts to a super-friendly tone* HELLO! Roofhowse: Yeah, how’d you know? Jangrah: *creepily doesn’t answer* I’m Jangrah, president of the Igloo Owners’ Association, here’s you fruit basket an- oh my gosh, your igloo! Roofhowse: What, you don’t like the open-floor plan? :P Jangrah: *laughs, but cuts herself off, shifting back into business mode* Enough banter. Now then… Roofhowse realizes soon enough that everyone on Club Penguin sucks so he decides to leave to work for Mech Mice. He’s just leaving Club Pengu- wait a minute. Is that supposed to be Pengtropolis?! For some reason in this version of Club Penguin the entire town is located in one spot in the middle. It’s hard to explain, but just look at it! So anyways, a blue crystal puffle named Enrique suddenly comes out of the sky and pushes Roofhowse down the hill he’s on and conveniently right in to the Stage (Which is for some reason now outdoors). For ruining her play, Jangrah snaps (as if she was sane already) and decides that the first chance she gets she’s going to be the cause of Roofhowse’s death. ...Okay, maybe not, but that would have been interesting! Jangrah instantly forgets about the play as soon as she sees the crystal puffle, and Lorna (who apparently speaks puffles because WHY THE F*** NOT???!!!!!!) figures out that the Merry Walrus needs their help even though there’s like a whole agent squad that knows how to deal with Herbert and they all follow it down to the Dock. The puffle flies off of the island because it apparently believes that these penguins that it met like two seconds ago are willing to drop everything and swim all the way to Merry Walrus Island. Roofhowse decides to follow it in his boat and Jangrah gets her feathers in a twist. Blizzard: Huh, what do you know, he is good at something! Jangrah: Yeah, good at leaving us behind! >:( Back off lady, Enrique came for Roofhowse’s help, not yours. Why don’t you go and make a fruitbasket or organize another play (did I mention that the play kinda sucked and had no plot at all?) or yell at Blizzard for not signing the delivery contract for his jacket because apparently you’re in charge of the Clothes Shop too or something. Geez, I’m starting to hate this thing more than Lorna and that’s saying something. Finally we get a character that I can actually stand the presence of in the form of Rockhopper who (as pointed out by Jay) apparently spends his spare time hiding behind the Lighthouse. Seriously, what was Rockhopper doing on Club Penguin anyway, we never get to find out. But who cares because FREAKING ROCKHOPPER!!! :D Rockhopper takes everyone else aboard the Migrator since their pictures were already on the iTunes cover and it would be too misleading to leave them behind (what a shame). They catch up with Roofhowse and everyone is a donkey hole to him. Then Rockhopper embarrasses him in front of all his new friends and I don’t think I’m going to last much longer on this. Jangrah: HEY FUMBLES! Need a lift? Blizzard: Ooh, BURN!!! Rockhopper: Ahoy! Any lad crazy enough to sail in a peanut shell is welcome aboard the Migrator! Roofhowse: Are you saying my boat is small? Rockhopper: Yes, I am. Now bring it aboard, we’ll stow it in me glove compartment! Yarr: *laughs* Is this special supposed to make us feel welcome on Club Penguin, because I’ve been on this thing for years and I’m starting to not feel welcome. Aren’t you proud of your characters, CP? ARE YOU FREAKING PROUD OF THEM???!!! I swear, I’m going to snap before this review’s over. So anyways, Enrique joins the group in the Migrator and leads them to Merry Walrus Island. If you were paying any attention to Jangrah’s play earlier (I know I sure wasn’t), apparently we learned that the island is surrounded by a large force-shield called the “Crystal Curtain” that only blue crystal puffles can open because apparently if any penguin lays eyes on the Merry Walrus in person at any other time of year other than the Merry Walrus holiday he’ll… burst into flames? I don’t know. Enrique manages to open the Crystal Curtain to create a hole just big enough for the Migrator to travel through. Since Rockhopper’s too busy writing his will Roofhowse takes the reins and manages to guide the Migrator through, even though the Migrator only needs to go straight and they would have all been fine had he not touched it at all. Everyone cheers Roofhowse even though he barely did anything and Rockhopper gives him a robotic parrot that makes elephant noises. Does this make any sense to you in context, because I’m literally watching the special as I type this and this still doesn’t make any sense to me. They arrive at the foot of the Merry Walrus’ ice palace (because apparently the Merry Walrus has a thing for the cold) only to discover Herbert disguised as the Merry Walrus. Klutzy, who’s suddenly evil and no longer adorably oblivious to wrong-doing (KLUTZY NOOOOOOOO- man, I’m using a ton of parentheses in this review...) traps them in a net and Herbert manges to tie them all up because apparently not even Rockhopper (whom I’m pretty sure has a sword!) put up a fight. Herbert reveals his plan to everyone (because it’s not like that could lead to his defeat or anything) though an actually pretty clever retro videogame-like presentation, but no one is paying attention as they’re watching Sydmull play a game… on… his… tablet… HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!!! If Sydmull can get his hands free that easily, why doesn’t he bother to untie himself? Is he just stupid? Because I’m pretty sure they’ve been trying to stress so far that he’s super smart, I mean he’s freaking Blizzard’s LAWYER. So anyways, Herbert’s plan (presented in glorious pixels) is to capture six blue crystal puffles, use them to get past the crystal curtain (But… don’t they already live behind the Crystal Curtain? I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have any reason to leave except on Merry Walrus Eve), capture the Merry Walrus (who apparently didn’t put up a fight either, despite the fact that he like has magical powers, apparently), steal one of his suits, and fly over Club Penguin dropping six fake presents (is six the cosmic number here or something?). Apparently when the presents are all properly aligned, they all activate each other and create a large dome of ice over the crowd (assuming that every single penguin on the island is in that one place), finally giving Herbert his long-awaited peace and quiet. Yeah, because that’s been Herbert’s main goal all these years, to get peace and quiet! Why did I ever think it was something else, like he wanted to be warm or something? Huh. So, Herbert activates one of Merry Walrus’ gift wrapping machines and programs it to wrap up and suffocate Jangrah, Sydmull, Blizzard, and Lorna, but to save Rockhopper and Roofhowse for last because of plot reasons. Enrique comes out of hiding and messes with the controls on the machine, only to activate a malfunction mode that replaces that activates a hellish red glow and replaces the gift wrapping equipment with large scissors. Geez, compared to how the rest of the special has been, this just got really dark! Luckily, Enrique manages to find the right lever and shuts off the machine, causing one of the scissors to stop just short of Rockhopper, but managing to cut his ropes. Then we find out that Yarr was under Rockhopper’s hat the entire time and could have easily chewed through his ropes. Come to think of it, Enrique could have done the exact same thing! Oh well. Roofhowse and Rockhopper decide to follow Herbert and thankfully leave everyone behind to suffocate in the gift wrap. Okay, maybe not, but that would have made this special a lot better! Jangrah complains about the color of hers while Lorna and Blizzard love theirs. Blizzard even keeps the bow on his head. Senor Chang: Hah, GAYYYY!!! They even find and unwrap Merry Walrus himself, and since his model doesn’t allow him to frown, he is not at all bothered by the fact that Herbert’s stolen the sleigh because he has a spare one that can be pulled by Enrique (turns out you only need one crystal puffle to pull the sleigh, the other five are apparently just for show). They leave Rockhopper and Yarr behind to follow them on the suddenly-slow Migrator because if they brought them with then that would make people too happy. Herbert makes it to Club Penguin on his sleigh and proceeds to drop his presents over the side of his sleigh, with very surprising accuracy. Seriously, every single present goes exactly where he wants it to go, forming a perfect circle around a large crowd of penguins dancing the “Puffle Shuffle”. He’s just about to drop the last present when the Merry Walrus’ spare sleigh catches up to him. Herbert: WHAT?! Those blasted penguins escaped! But they’re too late! *drops the final present* Um, Herbert, you do realize that since they’re in the air, activating the dome won’t trap them, right? Since the present for some reason moves in super slow motion, the Merry Walrus’ sleigh manages to get below it. Blizzard: Uh, guys, you do realize our catcher is Fumbles, right? Shaddup Blizzard, this is the part of the special where he catches the present and proves himself to you! Roofhowse: *catches* Got it! YES! Roofhowse: *falls over edge of sleigh* WOAH! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME WRITERS?! So anyways, we get that classic scene that never gets old of Jangrah grabbing Roofhowse’s feet, Sydmull grabbing Jangrah’s feet, Lorna grabbing Sydmull’s, and Blizzard grabbing hers, creating a long chain of penguins hanging off of the side of the sleigh (I’d just like to point out that I used this in igloo.doc before I even saw this special), and Merry Walrus doesn’t even do anything to help. Herbert sees that Roofhowse is still hanging on to the final present, so he jumps onto their sleigh and prepares to knock Blizzard off the edge (if Roofhowse wasn’t at the end of the chain I’d be cheering Herbert on). Merry Walrus finally decides to take action, somehow letting go of Enrique’s reins but not falling out of the sky. Merry Walrus: Herbert, you’ve been a very bad bear, but despite that, I’ll still give you a present! *hands* Wow, maybe this guy really is better than Santa! Merry Walrus: Now, get off my sleigh! *pushes Herbert over the edge, even though it’s like 70 feet in the air* Geez, never mind, this guy’s a psycho murderer! Roofhowse: I got it, I got it! *drops present* I… don’t got it. Blizzard: *rolls eyes* Yep, saw that coming. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F*** WRITERS. But it’s all okay, because Herbert lands in the middle of Town Center unharmed and unhurt (cartoons, man), and Klutzy jumps off of his sleigh after him, who has a safe landing on Herbert’s head. The final present conveniently lands in just the right spot, and since they’re the only two left (the other penguins all ran away) the presents activate and they both get trapped inside the ice dome. With nothing left to do, Herbert opens his present to discover that Merry Walrus gave him a pair of earmuffs to block out the noise of the penguins’ music, which is actually pretty nice. Herbert: At least in here I finally get some peace and quiet! '' '' Cadence (who has a different voice actor for some reason even though Michelle Lewis, her usual voice actor was on hand) starts the Puffle Shuffle back up, and the penguins dance with their puffles in a way that judging by the looks of some of the puffles’ faces is extremely abusive. Meanwhile, Rockhopper meets up with Roofhowse to give him an actually pretty cool offer. Rockhopper: Fine job today, matey! How about joining me as a pirate, for your next big adventure? Say yes, SAY YES. Roofhowse: *looks back at his “friends” who are all dancing without him, not even seeming to realize that he’s not there* You know something, I think my next big adventure might be right here at Club Penguin. Roofhowse, I have lost all respect for you. Rockhopper: That be good, because I sold yer boat fer scrap. Roofhowse: You what?! ...Oh, that’s okay! :P *runs off* Hey guys, wait up! '' '' Oh, okay, I guess it all works out then. That makes you wonder though, what was Rockhopper planning on doing if Roofhowse said yes? So anyways, the day is saved and everyone has a Merry Walrus (which makes it sound like everyone gave birth to a Merry Walrus, which while weird would be equally as interesting as all this other stuff I’ve pointed out. Hmm… I should write a fanfiction!) Rockhopper: Argh, I’ll say it again- that was some party! There’s a lesson to be learned there, BUT LESSONS ARE FOR SCURVY DOGS! In the meantime… Did I mention that stop-motion Rockhopper is the best thing ever? So that was We Wish You a Merry Walrus. From everything I’ve said, you may think I didn’t like this special, but to be honest, I actually really enjoyed it. Sure, most of the new characters made me want to rip my hair out and stop upon it, but what I like is that they actually put effort into this. That scene where Enrique tries to save Rockhopper and Roofhowse from the gift wrap machine is actually very well done, and while I do wish that the special was longer, they did do a good job at getting the story’s point across. I can’t help but be bothered by some of these plot holes though, I mean seriously, after Klutzy jumped off of the Merry Walrus’ sleigh after Herbert, what ever happened to it and the crystal puffles pulling it? Crystal Puffle #1: Ugh, I’m so tired of flying. Can’t we stop already? Crystal Puffle #2: You know what Merry Warlus always tells us. Rule 22- Never stop mid-flight! Crystal Puffle #3: But why did we have to do what that polar bear said anyway? Crystal Puffle #4: Rule 34- Don’t take off unless the person in the sleigh is a large furry creature wearing a blue suit. Crystal Puffle #5: I just wish he had been a little more specific with his rules. Crystal Puffle #6: Why is that? The puffles and the sleigh fly into the sun and explode Seriously though, despite the amount of effort they put into this special, I'm not exaggerating when I say that these penguin puppets can be freaking creepy. Look at their faces. They're going to eat you. Category:Blog posts